gifts to give when you're extremely online
gifts to give when you're extremely online
or, the internet just keeps on giving: a recession-proof guide
Unless you’re an off-the-grid hermit living far away from human society in the wilds of Maine and you haven’t used currency in the past six or so months, you already know: inflation’s a bitch this year. Also, we’re very likely heading into a recession in 2023, it seems as if every big name company’s going through some serious layoffs, and if you heavily invested in crypto…I’m sorry?
Chances are that you, like me, are concerned about your financial future. And you still have to buy holiday gifts! In this economy!
Longtime readers of NW know I’m a sucker for an unhinged holiday gift guide, and this year is no different. Only this year, I’m the one writing and publishing the unhinged gift guide. And I’ve cultivated the ultimate free gift guide in anticipation of a recession and potential financial woe.
So save your money for the day your manager and HR pull you into that last-minute “private check-in meeting:” here are gifts to give when you’re very online, very unsure whether the economy’s about to tank, and definitely not feeling secure about the future of your job in 2023.
[Insert Name Here] Explains the Internet Subscription Package: Are you chronically online? Are you often the one explaining to your family why everyone’s ordering a negroni…sbagliato…with prosecco in it? Or why the Internet is crying about a dog named Noodle or who may or may have bones? Give your loved ones the gift of your useless knowledge with a subscription plan. They can text you monthly, weekly, or daily depending on the package you offer them with their questions, and you’ll give them bespoke, detailed answers. Perfect for parents and friends who are smart enough to quit social media for good but still wanna stay in the know.
Personal Etsy Shopper: Do you spend too much time perusing Etsy? Do you know someone with quirky taste and no patience for online shopping? Or maybe someone who delights in weird cursed Etsy finds? When redeeming this gift, your loved one can submit a request for your help to find that perfect flax linen tunic apron in mustard or the vintage beer stein collection of their dreams or a candle that quite literally says “I’ll Shank a Bitch for You.” Disclaimer: this gift is *only* to find products. The recipient is responsible for the full cost of the product plus shipping, handling, and tax. (I never said this was a generous gift guide, just a semi-thoughtful one.)
Ticketmaster Line Hopping: If you or your loved one were scammed by Ticketmaster while trying to snag tickets to Taylor Swift’s Eras tour, you may be entitled to compensation. Ok, not really. But! Offer your services to wait in a Ticketmaster queue for future prize concert tickets (*side eyeing Beyonce*). Let your loved one go about their day instead of agonizing while waiting for it to finally be their turn to spend $834 plus taxes and service fees for obstructed nosebleed seats. Disclaimer: the recipient is the one who pays for the tickets. You’re just willing to watch the screen until they have to put down a credit card.
Private Cyber Stalking Investigation: This is exactly what it sounds like. If you could double as an online FBI investigator, give the gift of your services. Help your brother dig up the dirt on his coworker’s divorce; or your best friend figure out whether the guy she’s in a situation-ship with is also seeing that girl who pops up in his Instagram story sometimes; or your mom find out whatever happened to her freshmen year roommate from college who may or may not have dropped out to join a cult. Knowledge: it truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Dating Profile Overhaul: For the friend who is single but desperate to get off the dating apps one way or another—offer your services to spruce up their profile. Because who among us hasn’t looked at a friend’s dating profile and absolutely roasted them over it? This gift can include: a free photoshoot to capture updated, well-lit pictures (sans fish, if your friend is a dude); age and location range consultation; rewriting and reworking your profile description; and even some swiping and conversation starters (deluxe package only). Disclaimer: just because your friend gives you this gift and swipes right on that person doesn’t necessarily mean they are The One. Proceed with caution.
Wordle Hint Support Package: For that one family member who is determined to play Wordle but always needs all six tries. Offer them the present of a letter or two just to get them going. Disclaimer: while this will not spoil your loved one’s Wordle stats, it will leave them open to ridicule.
TikTok Dabloons Coupon: Do I know how the TikTok Dabloon game works? No. Does anyone? Not really. So can you give someone dabloons? Sure, why the fuck not.
Reminder: discounts on NW paid subscriptions are still valid through 12/31! Click one of the links below to get all paid subscriber benefits today:
The Anxiety 2023 Special - Get 20% off a one-year subscription, and receive all the benefits of being a paid subscriber for the next 12 months.
The Winter Blues Special - Get 30% off an annual subscription, and lock in this discount in perpetuity!