all i want for xmas is a ham crystal
the nyt gift guide is having an existential crisis
Dear Santa,
It’s me, ya girl, Sarah. You know, the one who celebrates both Christmas and Hanukkah and once asked you for a cribbage board when I was nine. Just like the Bernie Sanders meme, I am once again asking you for financial support (and presents).
It has recently been brought to my attention that I am 30 which makes me an Old. I know this because my college students recently roasted me over Zoom for not following John Green’s many channels on YouTube. I want to stay relevant and cool and in an effort to achieve this not-at-all pathetic goal, lately I’ve spent a lot of time scrolling through TikTok.
So imagine my delight when I saw that the New York Times published “Gifts From Cyberspace” this week, a gift guide that looks like Lisa Frank took meth before going viral on TikTok, and using that spon-con money on Wish dot com.
It looks like an amalgamation of the darkest, strangest, most random meme-words from the past two years have been accumulated alongside Snapchat filtered product photos and a bizarrely laid out web page, all in the service of things I’ve never heard of or thought of before: water cooler earrings, off-road “sports” crocs, a dumpster in a bag, and an Instant Noodle blanket set.
I have a lot of questions about how this got published, Santa, so if you have answers, that’d make a great present. But in lieu of a reason, I’m asking today for the following:
A laptop harness. My neck, shoulders, and eyes aren’t sore enough from staring at screens indoors all day in the midst of a global pandemic. I want to show my students the world by shakily walking down the street on Zoom with them, teaching the class the importance of revising their essays. This is the next step towards the singularity, and I for one am ready.
Lace computer cover. It is my greatest desire to not only keep my computer set-up dust-free, but creepy as hell. When I gaze upon my desk, I know that there’s something missing, and it turns out that what’s missing is a Lolita-Meets-Anime-Miss-Haversham vibe. If I don’t mistake my hardware for a ghost while getting up in the middle of the night to pee, then what is the point in having a computer and desk at all?
Large novelty N-95 mask handbag. Nothing says “never forget this global pandemic tragedy and the millions who have and will die as a result of government incompetence” like a commemorative purse in the shape of PPE items that were in short supply.
Portable thumb-size tissues. I mean, has any other gift guide addressed those of us with squirrel friends? If only Grizzly Man were here to see this.
Glowing bread lamp. How else will I remember me and my boyfriend’s many sourdough bread experiments in the first few months of quarantine? Double points if you can grab me that blingy boule.
Novelty silica gel packet cross-body bag. All I really want is to say something dumb like “it’s meta-purse-ical.” Idk, Santa, 2020’s been a weird time, why do I want anything anymore?
Lettuce slippers. Cuz I’m not mesclun around! Ayyyy! Capitalism is really something.
LED light false eyelashes. Honestly I want these eyelashes so I can feel like an extra on the delayed second season of Euphoria. That’s it. That’s the only reason I want these.
Beekeeper markers. Because how else will I be able to tell the difference between my normal bees and my murder hornets? The only way I’ll survive 2021 is if I’m able to differentiate easily, and these are like Post-It notes for bees. It will keep them all color-coded and organized!
Ham Crystal. Nothing says embracing witch-culture like a $12k+ crystal that could be confused for meat. Unlike my other crystals that charge by the full moon, this one most likely will charge when placed in bacon, and as you can imagine, it’s ideal for my greasy, lush quarantine lifestyle. I promise to only use its porky powers for good.
Santa, you may be asking, “Sarah, are you sure the New York Times isn’t trolling you again? Remember their penchants for insufferable real estate stories, misguided hot takes about Aperol Spritzes, and publishing problematic op-eds?” Yes, I do.
Also, “Sarah, you’re not a member of Gen Z, this is sad.” And I agree! I adore Gen Z’s vibe and aesthetic. The envy (at times) is very real!
But also: what I need in 2021 is some cool new shit to distract me from the inevitable delays in distributing the vaccine, the rollercoaster economy and job market I am going to graduate into, and all of the other unknowns I’m bound to face.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m grateful too. For the health of my family and friends; for my new dog Ripley; for the love and support of my boyfriend; my job and work; and several new opportunities that have come my way.
But what I’m grateful for in this moment—in this mundane moment—is this absolutely ridiculous, chaotic, off-brand gift guide that the New York Times has published. It is the stupid, immersive distraction I didn’t know I needed this holiday season. And as they say, it is all about the little things (like a troll lighter cover!).
What I do know for sure now is this: ham crystals exist.
The joy of getting to write that sentence, which sounds like something out of Patricia Lockwood’s masterpiece Priestdaddy, is a gift in and of itself.
And these are not just any ham crystals either. These are luscious ham crystals. Even when the world is falling apart, as long as capitalism exists, there will always be luxuries so obscene they’ll make me cackle aloud.
Thanks for reading, Santa. I hope you have a happy second night of Hanukkah.
Shabbat shalom, xoxo,
Sarah