nervous wreckage, *birthday edition*
the gift guide for anxious friends who love cursed objects
*Just want to say hello to my new followers who found me on Substack’s Discover page this week! It’s been super exciting to be featured there, and I’m so glad you’re here!*
It’s my birthday, folks. And the #1 newsletter I’ve written for Nervous Wreckage so far has been my reaction to the NY Times’ unhinged and anxiety-producing Christmas gift guide back in 2020. Since then, subscribers have sent me strange gift guides, Etsy finds, crystals that look like foods, and other bizarre items you can buy on the internet that might make you uneasy.
So, as my gift to you all, I’m gonna round up some of the more magical, anxiety-producing, questionable, thought-provoking, and bizarre gift ideas I’ve come across this past year:
Ghost in a Jar. An obvious choice, but as an anxious person I have to say I love a thrill in a controlled environment. Why have a haunted house when I can have the terrarium equivalent? This is an oldie (circa 2003) but it’s still a fun hostess gift, amirite?
Patriotic Chihuahua Blanket. Can’t decide what’s more unsettling, the juxtaposition of basic white girl chic alongside a vein-y arm peeling back the American flag, or the blank stare of the chihuahua stuck inside of said flag. (Via Playmate)
Anonymous Potato. Pretty straightforward, but honestly, this gives me some kind of cursed vibes a la Jia Tolentino. I won’t pretend to know whether or not these potatoes are actually cursed, but I wouldn’t rule it out either? (via Anonymous Potato)
Dog-Friendly Desk Chair. Pretty self-explanatory, particularly if you have a pet who has taken over your life and/or sees themselves as your supervisor in need of constant supervision. There’s also storage room for, you know, puppy secrets.
Longer Furby. Did you have a furby growing up? I didn’t! They creeped me out even when I was little. But good news for those of you who did: you can buy a long furby! It’s as if your furby from elementary school moved across town to a new school, grew up, got even weirder looking, and then you ran into them the night before Thanksgiving at a local bar and they caught you staring from across the room and now it’s uncomfortable. (via SomersetSews)
note the sparkle details Shattered Glass Ceiling Paperweight. Nothing says #bossbitch quite like a broken piece of glass trash that is supposed to represent a glass ceiling. No one tells young women that when you achieve your professional dreams you’ll still be stuck caring for the stupid glass shards somebody shattered on the floor. I thought the men were supposed to clean that the debris from our shattered glass ceilings? I guess no one has confirmed that to be true but it feels like it should be true. In any case, this bizarre gift can sit on your desk and remind you of just how fragile women’s successes (and emotions) truly are.
this costs $48 but friend, take a walk and forage around on garbage day, guaranteed you can DIY this for free. Suitjamas. Do you sometimes worry that you’ll oversleep and miss an important meeting over Zoom? Have you ever wished your pajamas more closely resembled formalwear? Great news: suitjamas are simultaneously cheap-looking AND uncomfortable AND perfect for the person convinced they’ll need to jump out of bed looking like they are wearing a Don Draper costume from Party City.
i mean look at him, he looks so comfortable and happy and not dead behind the eyes. Doll Eye Hair Pins. As a sometimes witchy-looking teacher myself, this makes the “I have eyes in the back of my head” concept just a tad bit spicier. (via Jawlinejewelry on Etsy).
Grilled Cheese Necklace. For the friend who still reminisces about the ~amazing~ grilled cheese from her local diner growing up: perfectly buttery and greasy. But upon returning to said diner and eating that beloved grilled cheese, she realizes this: it was, and remains, just some bread and some melty cheese. (via SucreSucreMiniatures)
This Candle Smells Like John Mayer. As has been established in a previous newsletter, I have A Thing for candles. And sure, I had a big ol’ crush on John Mayer once upon a time. Also yes, he did work at a gas station in my hometown. But do I want a candle that likely smells like a potentially un-showered racist dude whose latest album is un-ironically titled “Sob Rock”? …I mean it does have a wood wick soooo…
